What’s in the notebook?

My ex-boyfriend recently looked through my notebook, and saw a lot of the things that I free-write. My notebook is pretty sacred to me. I write some of the poetry from it on here, but a lot of it stays tucked away within its pages, either because it’s not good enough or its volatile to my life at the time. He spurred me to look back through it, too, though, and I have a few poems from the past year at college to post on here.

Cynic

Somebody told me
I was meant to be alone
Somebody I knew
Long, long ago
They said it was best
For people like me
Never to have to feel
So happy
Only to have it
Taken away
Yes, it was better
To avoid that day
But what that person
Didn’t really know
Is that as you grow up
So too do feelings grow
I grew out
Of feeling sorry for myself
And I never looked for someone
But yet I found
Love that will always
Be dear to me
Whether someday it break
And flees
I’m glad I was able
To prove myself wrong
For I was that person
All along.

Autumn

Autumn beauty
You look the best just before you fall
Autumn beauty
How long can you hold on to them all?

Asphalt

Lights on the asphalt
Rain drizzles slowly
Time, like my heart, seems to have stopped.
How did we get here?
I feel so numb
As if in a moment I will wake up
And everything will be fine…
But I won’t wake up
Because this is life
And it’s all ruined;
The petals of our perfect flower
Are scattered and torn
Showing clearly their delicacy
Through their ruin.
I loved you
But I know that’s not enough
You loved me first and you stopped loving me first
In everything, I have followed you
Event now, I feel we are having parallel thoughts
Both wrestling with our hearts who say that this is over
And our projected futures which included each other
I will not lie, I am scared
Neither future holds a positive outcome
But it is more frightening to face a future in which I am unhappy
Than it is to say
“Goodbye.”

Between

Caught in
The in between
Nothing is
Quite what it seems

Feelings hidden
Right underneath
A smile of friendship
Which I bequeath

Each time I say
Hello to you
I wish I could tell you
What you already knew

When you shared
Your feelings with me;
I miss you more
Each day, you see

I struggle to make
You stay a friend
But at each
Day’s end

I wish that I
Were close to you
Our texts and talks
Are solid proof

I miss you more
Than anyone…
I think my heart
Has finally won.

Logic

What is this feeling
No logic can take away;
The more I fight it
The more it tries to stay.

Twist

What makes the path
So twisted here
Is there is no fork;
I must forge one here

The easy path
I won’t travel alone
But it’s not on this path
Which I will go

I cannot say for certain
What has driven me here
But for weeks now
The direction has been getting more clear

Ending

Wake up
At 7am
Can’t fall
Asleep again
Thoughts of you
In my head
Because I broke
What was bent

Right decision?
I don’t know
Let the tears
Like rivers flow
Empty my heart
To start again
Will we be more
Or will we be friends?

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