Chris, if you’re reading this, I still love you… but I am frustrated by far more than this poem can express. I’m not going to stop posting my heart here simply because you can read it. Perhaps you’ll better understand what I’m going through.
Your pride doesn’t hurt nearly as much as my strained love
Do you want to lose me?
Don’t you trust me?
You’ll say of course you do
Of course, because you tell me everything
Show me things that no one else can see
But yet you lie
By not saying what you mean
And how you feel
You lie to me like you lied to all of them
And I wonder, is this really you?
Is who I see and who I love really
Who I love?
Too long I’ve been looking
And scared to look again is what I became
But I’m not happy
Sometimes, yes
But annoyed
And helpless
I want you to go away
I need my space
To figure out where my life is going
And whether you will be in it
I need to be somewhere where your lies cannot reach me
They are lies because you say them and you mean them
But you cannot act them
You cannot be your lies
You can only pretend
And it is sick
And I want none of it
Your excuses, your pity party
Get up, and look at yourself
Is this who you really think you are?
Alone, sad, crying,
When life could be much worse
When really, you have so much to live for
So much that cares
And you see it
And don’t want it
Because it makes you feel miserable
That you cannot be miserable
And cannot be happy
Because you do not know how
Life’s like an endless line
We’re forced to walk it until it ends
And perhaps the scariest thing is
There is no end in sight
Not one we can ever see
And once it is upon us, end.
Was this what you had hoped it all would be?
You have to plan for something
What will YOU do
Because it is all about you
Don’t make it about me
You don’t know how to move your life toward something alone
I once was young
I once bled the colors of anxiety
Of fear and tears and dread
They told me life would get better
And it did
Once I was able to take control
Every decision you make
Every step you take
These are things that you do
Be aware of yourself
Be calm, and believe in yourself
You truly
Have nothing
To prove.