“Poetry should please by a fine excess and not by singularity. It should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts and appear almost as a remembrance.”
– John Keats

Everybody has that certain something in their life that they absolutely need to do in the interest of their sanity. Well, poetry is it for me. Poetry is my form of self-expression; it’s my way of getting all the emotions out of my body and onto the page, where I can try to understand them. I can’t say that they all make sense, but it is my greatest hope that as you read them, you may discover something about yourself too.

you are not alone
going into that darkened night
a lantern and a field guide
hoping to make it out alive

you are not alone
there are those who would walk with you
if you would call on them
the night is dark
but they bring their own light

you may feel alone
but that is your choice –
there are people who care for you
who love you
who think about you
who want you

who will walk with you
and light your way

I want to talk to you
but I don’t know what to say
except “hi,
how are you?”

all I really mean to say
is that I care about you
I’m thinking of you
and I hope sometimes
that you think of me

but I can’t say that
it would be weird to say that
I have to make you feel it
or else it won’t seem true

So –

hi,
how are you?

The worst thing about being hungover
Isn’t feeling sick –
It’s waking up at 4 in the morning
Wide awake and

Feeling alone
Because everyone’s sleeping

Do you remember
The night I had a headache?
I texted you and
I didn’t have any medicine
So you went out
And you bought me some

We don’t talk anymore, but
I still use that family size bottle
Of ibuprofen
If I have a headache
Before I sleep

he doesn’t know
how much it would mean
if he let me drive the golf cart

raised a woman
I was always a passenger
to the men in my life

I let you have me

pieces of me
every day

they flake off when I
try to understand you

they chip and fall away
when you ask me questions, and I
drop everything
to answer

I let you have me
all of me, one piece at a time
even though you don’t want me
and never will

I want someone to understand
I want someone to tell me I’m not crazy
So I reach out
One voice
One voice in a million
And what can I do?
I speak my truth
I yell it
I scream it and
I hope that you’re listening
That someone is listening
That I’m not alone

I thought
and I thought
and I fought, too
But going against me
wasn’t something I could do.

I am
Silent rage
Misdirected
Undirected
There was
Unfairness and
I am malcontent

I try to explain it
and begin to believe
a narrative
that is destructive to me

I feel exhausted
but not defeated
every day
that I must
take care with what I say
and how I say it
so that I will be
an equal in their eyes

Why must I be better than a man
To be taken seriously?

I wonder
if you can see right through me
can you tell I’m trying to draw you out?
let me care for you
and perhaps I’ll earn
a place in your heart

my mother says I pick up people like projects
but that’s not fair to the attraction I feel
like pulling to like
not for romance
but for affection nonetheless

it’s a delicate dance that plays your heartstrings
neither hasty nor subtle
surrender to the music
and let a friendship be born

the first necklace
a boy ever bought me
is still my favorite
though it’s worn down

past the silver
and the copper shows through
it reminds me of love
more than it reminds me of you

you weren’t mine to bury
but I was there to watch
when the man bent to place you
in your hole, in a box

the day was awkward handshakes
the afternoon an overture
religious men postured
but in me, nothing stirred

a long long time ago
I might have thought you’d be with God
but today I stood silent
while all the prayers were heard

grief reminds mortality
and we tell ourselves these lies
to forget and comfort
those left behind

a funeral is a warning
and more than we are sad
we are scared because we know
it’s a day we’ll each have

I still roll stuff up
the way you taught me
when I pack
because it saves space

Have I saved you?
rolled up in tiny parcels
stuffed into my actions
poking out of my words

Old lover
you linger here
inside my suitcase
outside my heart

I’m scared to die
but I don’t know why
when I have no plans to live

I stand still in the crowd
while others move their
shoulders, sweat, hair
over serpentine asphalt sunshine
I stand still and close my eyes
to feel the souls brushing mine

the moan of the world is loud here
uttered by silence
broken by the hum of an engine
the sigh of a street light
That padlocked place in my heart
beats a little faster
strains a little harder
to hear the kindred call
however soft, however faint

they speak of the laundry forgotten at the dry cleaner’s
expired milk and
the rabbit that the dog dragged home and left in the yard
they speak of everything but the question
and in doing so give it voice
in the hollow space between words
in the soul of the echo

Keep it to yourself, he says
And sends me poetry
My eyes were never meant to see
Keep it to yourself, he pleads
Heart beating on his sleeve

What does he expect from me
When I love someone else
Built my life around someone else
And don’t share the feelings
His poetry portrays?
What does he expect
That a woman can do
For him that he can’t do for himself?

There are things you don’t share
Even if your heart beats them
Your lungs breathe them
With every breath
There are things you don’t say
Because they’re too dangerous
And you can’t take them back once they’re said

Does he stick his neck out
Just to get new scars?
Knotted lines of flesh to define him
While covering up the man beneath
He wants to be wanted
He wants to be loved
But he doesn’t want to love me

We are made of dead things
Dry and twisted things
Coarse and rotting things
Old things

We are made of the same things
Component, atomic things
Universal and unchanging things
Desolate things

We are made of tired things
With holes for whistling wind
Where life pours out like sands
Of time, always time

We are made of dead things
Future things and past things
We are all things
And to dust, we will go

Been drinking and going through my work from the last few months. I didn’t write a lot, but there are a few poems anyway. Apologies if they’re not worth the read – my quality filter gets degraded with intoxication.

I want to reach out
These human hands of mine
And touch someone’s heart
So that I can feel mine

For one fleeting moment
While it’s there
I feel connected
My heart is bared

We hide the truths
We feel each day
Confuse the ache with pain
And lock away
The parts of ourselves
That others need
To feel human
To feel free

Breathe
every once in a while
just to feel the air
moving through your lungs

Run
every chance you get
to remind yourself
that you can

Be
whatever you are
and don’t worry
about not knowing what that is

Outside
There is vast
Turbulent calm
Foam and froth
Blue and black
Grey meets grey at the horizon

Soul waters
Quench my thirst
Dig toes into sand and
Make whole
What I didn’t know I missed

Ache and cry
Let go the poison
Stored in layers of fat
From wealthy months
Devoid of love

Speak softly to my soul
Pull and tease and take
From myself
A memory

More true than what I am now
A memory of what I wanted to be

My devil says wallow
go, don’t go,
it doesn’t matter to him
but wallow

Here there is no scripture
in the land between light
down in the darkness
where even shadows have dreams

I saw the worst parts of myself
laid bare on that altar
and I swore to keep my faith
But I wonder
how can you keep something
that you’ve never had
or already lost?

Weep for me and follow
my example to the truth
I have nothing left but principles
and facts
and nothing with which to feed my soul

A month or so ago I tried to write a poem for the Jane Lumley Prize that Hermaneutic Chaos was running. I very much enjoy the poetry published there, but have never written anything even remotely close to the style. So, after reading several months worth of their publications, I got inspired – I wrote this. While I didn’t end up submitting it (I don’t think it’s near ready enough) I am still proud of the outcome, and hope I can work on it until it is publishable.

 

Night is no place for a woman

whisper comfort into my breast
and steal upon me like the night full of daggers
splitting warm flesh
a coffin
and I am made to stay

I turn aside the cigarette butt
of what you once were
ashen hair with an eyeful of addiction
baby of the morning hue
your spines still stick
to the tender parts of my heart

I walk through the gallows where my family hung
their portraits on the nooses and the long wooden necks
I wasn’t chosen, but I wasn’t left behind
I was just simply forgot

days turn to hours while the seconds crawl up the wall
and gather on the ceiling where the smoke stain laughs
at the pity clogging my heart
you were not a savior
but I thought, in those eyes

of blue and black I had found more than just a bruise
of a wound that was forgotten
you left with the sun
and I stayed behind

Sometimes it feels like
I’m in a waiting room
with the air being sucked out
one molecule at a time,
my breaths stolen
before they even enter me

Sometimes I see myself standing
on a rocky outcrop
beside the sea breeze.
The curvature of the earth
lifts my feet
as they teeter on the edge
of truth and death

Sometimes I wish
I would have been born a man
who does not fear endings
as I do.
Sometimes I wish
but my wishes are stolen
like the minutes my lungs breathe away.

Let yourself
fall to pieces.
You can’t put yourself
back together
if you aren’t
broken.

How many words deleted?
How many conversations never started?
Staring at the blank page
I type to you, but I don’t know
What stops me from pressing enter.

I go out to eat so
Somebody else has to
Chop
The goddamn onions

I only want to cry when I’m sad.

I finished a new song! If I can find my good microphone, I’ll record it and update this post with the audio. It’s much better when heard aloud.

If I could become one
If I could become one
With the rest
Of the scene around me
If I could become one
If I could become one
I might not
Feel quite so lonely

Every day’s perfect but I’m just
Getting by
Getting by
And I don’t know
What is wrong with me
Won’t you believe me and tell me
It’s not my fault
It’s not my fault
I was born
That’s all there is to say

[Chorus]

Pretending is harder than giving
Into the sadness
The sadness
That drives my life
It makes me feel at peace
Destruction and healing are parts of
The same old coin
The same old coin
It flips around
And tells us where to land

[Chorus]

Perfection is striving to reach
Higher than self
How could you tell?
That I am not
Outwardly what I seem
Some days I feel I just
Want to die
Instead I cry
And save myself
For better days ahead

[Chorus]

I sing now
At work
Because
There may not be a tomorrow
To sing later

I sing now
Because the music moves me
And I want to share my gift,
My voice,
With those around me

I sing now
This very instant
To remind myself I am alive
That I am here
In this moment
And nobody can take it away from me

I sing,
Also,
Because nobody minds.

I believe in
Your power
Over me
Even though our lives touched but briefly
I know
I will never
Be the same

Is three years how long it takes
To forgive, and remember
The reasons why I loved you
In the first place?
You were inspirational
And though running from
You also ran toward
Your goals, your aspirations
Never telling yourself no

It was something I learned to do

I still keep the bucket list
Though now, I call it the ‘impossible list’
And I suppose you would like that better –
I’m not looking forward to death
But rather staying excited for life.
I’ve put down roots here in central New York
And I wonder if you would be proud,
I finally found those friends I was looking for
Those ones I thought would just drop
Out of the sky

I wonder if you’ll read this.
I don’t check up on you,
There’s no reason you’d check up on me.
But a part of me is arrogant
And selfish
And hopes that I’ve stayed in your life
Because good people deserve others
And I told you, probably, at some point
That you’d never be alone.

I feel the chill
There’s something comforting
About being uncomfortable
Wholly human
Undeniably felt
The cold creeps into my skin.
I linger here to feel alive
Not rushing to find a jacket
And stave off my humanity
But instead waiting
Swatting at the insects as they arrive
Day is gone
And night portends.
I rub my skin and feel small
But this too is comforting –
There are many like me

When their bites become too harsh
I retreat to warm safety
Not forgetting it
But dulling it
Unable to feel
Fully
What I am

The things that make me cry
Are numerous;
The sting of the wasp and the beauty of the sunset
Are equals
In my eyes.
They drop tears for either,
The beauty
Or the pain

Emotions are like rivers
All feeding into one great lake
Bloated and stretched
By the dam at its head.
When the water cascades over the concrete
It matters not where it came from
Only that it escapes
One drop at a time

There is no way, save death, out of the monotony
That controls our lives
Sleep wake eat sleep
Sleep wake eat sleep
We surrender to the slaver;
Are our bodies a gift, or a curse?
Holding us here in life
Expanding our senses
Or limiting them –
We know not from whence we came
Or what we are

Tiny or large
Connected or separate
Mighty or powerless;
We eat, we sleep, we wake
To the morning that assaults us
Or caresses us
To the day that haunts us
Or empowers us
To the flow of life that beckons us
For fear or intrigue
Of the mysteries unsolved

We find no comfort in its arms
But stand still in the waning tide
Blessing the water as it washes over our skin
Mourning what has not yet come to pass

This, too, shall pass
Like morning into night
And life, my life, into darkness
The tide will recede and leave me dry
And I will have been all I am

Sqeamish, I am
To feel my pulse
For every reminder of life
Is also a reminder of death
My beating heart will one day stop
My hands will someday be cold

I know not whether
I will be young
Or old
But someday, I will die.

I’ve always wanted to write a book. So I started one! Last year. And… I’m still only about 14 pages into it. Which isn’t bad, but the problem is I keep going back and re-writing everything that I wrote as I grow as a writer. So, rather than take my growing pains out on my book (over and over again) I’m challenging myself to write a short story every week. They’ll delve into different styles, work off of different prompts, and help me learn and grow as an author. I finished the first one last week. Go ahead and enjoy 🙂

A direct link to the Google Doc is here. Please leave comments on it if you have any feedback!

 

It forces itself
Out of me, onto the page
Consuming my every waking thought
Hijacking my emotions
And setting my world aflame

It drives me to write it
To the point of all abandon
And when it is finished
It prances off like a careless lover
Leaving me in the bed sheets
Used and unsatisfied

There is a hole in me where the story once was
And though I try to fill it
I crave another;
The world feels dim without my constant companion
My unwritten tale

Second song. I’m on a roll!

Do you ever wonder
What’s controlling your life?
Do you stop and think
What do I want to do tonight?
Nobody’s making plans
Nobody even bothers

Well it’s high time we had a change
From this zombie lane
Let’s go and meet the world
With ourselves again
You can’t make a difference
If you don’t even try
So let’s change the world
Let’s start tonight

Everybody’s dressed in black
Walking down the street
Mourning the loss
Of someone they’ll never meet
When did we break the promises
We made in our youth?

[Chorus]

No, there is no way to make it easy
We’re all falling down, oh
Oh, but there is so much we can do
Just don’t be afraid to try

Well I faced myself today
I didn’t like what I saw
I was scared and lonely
But overall
I am the person
I’ve grown to be

I just wish I’d faced me sooner…

[Chorus]

As I’ve started picking up the guitar again, I’ve started getting into writing music again. Here’s a new song that I’ll hopefully be able to play on the guitar for you folks in a few months.

Lift your head upon your shoulders
Take off your dread and face the day
This building that you are hiding inside of
Is crumbling around you
It won’t see another day

Will you be free,
Or will you keep running away?
Will you reach out
With your hands unbound?
Will you be free
Or will you keep running away
For the rest of your life
On the ground?

Try hard and you will find yourself
It’s that or you’ll die a little more each day
This life you’ve got isn’t really living
You know, I see the tears cried each day

[Chorus]

No I know I don’t decide what’s best for me
Some days it feels like I’m just floating by
I wonder where I went and why
I won’t come back to me
Was I ever in control
Or was that a lie?

[Chorus x2]

I
Listen
Breathing
Fear
Breathing
Panic
Breathing
Pain

I
Follow
Feeling
Darkness
Feeling
Wrongness
Feeling
Shame

I
Wonder
Am I
Right
Am I
Wrong
Am I
Sane?

Everything
Circles
Back
It’s all the same

This poem is inspired by an artist I have a feeling will become popular very quickly. Halsey just released her first album in August and I’ve been listening to it on repeat ever since.

I draw memories to match each beat
And each breath
I delight in being her
For the moment
And I close my eyes

I feel power
And a kind of confidence that comes
From knowing exactly who you are
She is flawed
Beautifully so
And vulnerable
Exceptionally so
But she is fierce
And the world around her drowns in her flames

She would laugh at a naked lover
And cry at a ruined napkin
Living the present
And lamenting not the past
Nor saving for her future

I revel in the sharpness of it
The fastness, the panic and pleasure
And come back to myself
Gradually, as she leaves
And the beats end

I cannot capture
The horror
Of every day routine
The hollow I find myself in
Because I am scared
To escape
Petrified by unfounded fears
I stick to the known
Never straying far
Never living much

I cannot explain it
If you have not lived it
Why saying what’s on my mind
Is painful and embarrassing
Why forming attachments
Is terrifying
Why being with the same friends
Is empty
And why I cannot break free

If you know what I am
I pity you
Because you are the same;
It is a condition
I would wish on no one
One not easily reversed
Which pervades almost every moment
Of my life

It fills the silence with weight
And aloneness with grief
Shy extrovert

I hope you are not like me.

I found this in my notes. Hopefully it’s not a duplicate.

In those moments
In between
That’s when I feel
Least alive again
Wishing for
Someone to see
What I am
So I can be.

What is existence
If it’s not shared?
I go home alone, and
I am scared
Is this all the world
Has for me?
Moments of happy
In between misery?

I’m not scared of the silence –
I am alone with my thoughts
I love myself
And that is enough
To make me want
To live each day
But I wonder
And I fear

That they are all the same

I still think about you
All the time
You’re still the idle space
Occupying my mind
But now
When the gears click
They’re smooth;
There’s no bad love
To sully the groove

You were it for me
And you still are
I love you
And whether you’re near or far
I will always love you
It’s written on my soul
I will be yours
Wherever I will go

Life takes us places
We don’t expect
It’s not really ours
To direct
But I have you, and you have me
And together
We are everything I need

What I’m trying to say
I haven’t the words for
You,
My partner in this life of whatever
You are my forever.

I write poetry
Because I find
It’s a lot easier to express myself
When I don’t have to write
Complete

I spend my time
Inside myself
It isn’t until
I speak with someone else
That I truly manifest;
I am not me without you

The lady sings, the hall reverberates
My heart is stolen and I hate her for it
As she looses, in perfect harmony,
The echoing notes of a dying era

We are gathered here today
For the benefit of others
Those ones we love who have found love
Curiously, I feel
Both passion and ill-ease
Watching their commitments
Declared under God’s gaze

There goes the procession
That orderly movement
Perfected over the centuries…
How many brides and grooms
Have come before?
I feel the connection to the past
As one love reaches out to another
Calling through the space of time
That this day should never be forgot

But how its meaning has changed!
We are progressive,
Scientific,
Worldly
Now, with the advent of a new age
This ritual has become distant
From our hearts

I feel both triumph and sadness
As I realize this ceremony
May cease to exist;
Religion is based upon fears
And preys upon fears
But is still beautiful
Elegant, and comforting

Communion is set
The gospel is read
I cannot help feeling how I do
And so the tears of mixed emotions
Mingle on my face
As the bride and groom
Become one from two

What is the point of this?
What should I do with my time?
My life was spent wandering through the darkness
Until finally, I found the light.
But what then?
What then, O sorrow tale?
Life stretches out endless before me
And I want to lead it right.
But sometimes it doesn’t feel like I’m leading
It feels like I’m slipping, and falling down
An inevitable mountainside
On which I can choose footholds
But not the destination;
No,
It all funnels to the same place.

I sit here
Feeling all alone
If it weren’t for you
I’d not have a place to call home
I know there are people
Who care about me
Some of them are near
But none of them see
Who I am
Exactly how you do
You see all of me
And still love me, too
It’s easy to forget
How special we are
When it’s so easy
To just be who we are
Not putting on airs
Hiding, or faking
I’m yours, yours, yours
Forever, if you’ll take me
I don’t know how else
To express how I feel
Some days you’re
The only thing that’s real
You’re my one
My only
My forever
My boo;
My everything,
My cuddlefish
My skank-a-roo
My bubble
My shield
From everything that’s hard
And I want you to know
That forever, you’ll be a part
Of me, and everything that I do
I am, quite simply,
Alive just for you.

I keep you near my heart
Lucky locket of mine
Although you sport no art
You remind me that he is mine

I want to feel
Touch
Taste
Believe
The unfathomable
Depth of complexity
Depth of humanity
Dive to uncertainty
And emerge
Always the same
But a little bit different
I want to feel the bottom of the moon
I want to BE what it is to BREATHE
The embodiment of life
Sustained, and unending
The cycle, not the thing
And exist
Both inside and outside
As part of your world

Dote on my desires
And I
Want only to be alive
But I
Confuse life with excitement

Tonight
I want to want nothing
And have that be enough

Admitting it to myself
Is the hardest part
Like tearing off a band-aid
I’m not ready to be judged

What fearless lion
I used to be
Those words ring
True to me
Used to be, used to be
I say it like
I’m no longer me

I remember my past
Like I was a
Superhero
Living life without fears
Accepting every opportunity
And every twist of fate

Used to be.
I know it’s wrong and
I know it’s right
I used to be something else.
I used to be a woman who
Didn’t have to worry about dying
No one to leave behind and
Nothing to carry forward

I used to think
Not that life was meaningless
But that living meant being ready to die
And the hard part to admit is
I still believe this
But I’m no longer ready
To say goodbye

Found this in my notes – I wrote it just before taking my new job.

Beginning
At face value, a word full of hope
Aspiration
Determination
Yet underneath
A beginning must always also
Be an end

Locked in constant cycle
The start and the finish
Both complimentary
Both opposite
One will always begin when the other leaves
Like day and night
Come now, see
How it feels to bask in the twilight

So melancholy here
Giving way to the new
Means making the choice to say goodbye
To the old
And making the choice means taking ownership
The change becomes you
Although you know not yet what it will bring

I sit here contemplative
Having made the choice,
But having not yet received the effects
I lie in twilight
Accepting uncertainty,
Presuming my fate.

You are nameless,
Faceless,
And ageless,
Weightless and colorless
Creedless and otherwise
Not marked by assumptions
When you whisk your
Little envelopes of thought
Out to the world;

They can be
Tiny diamonds
Or worthless leavings;
The choice is yours.

You are
Measured by your intelligence
Your wit, your mental finesse
And somehow, this is less scary
Than the measurements you know they are taking
When you step into a room
Not one sound out your mouth
But already,
You are known
And understood.

Why yes, it is freeing
To be heard as a voice
And not interpreted
Through shades of clothing
And skin
And gender
It is freeing to be myself
And be judged for it,
For if you judge me by anything
Let it be the bits of me I leave behind
Across the internet.

Poolside thought. Might not be complete yet. Enjoy!

We treat those us around us as too fragile
And in turn, become fragile ourselves;
Unable to stand up to normal scrutiny
Because none is ever given

What is wrong with people?
Why don’t we share more?
What is it about the world
That makes us scared
To be who we are
And to open our hearts
To one another?
Deep down
I believe everyone knows
Nothing can replace
That feeling of connection
When another speaks
Exactly what’s on your mind
And when you speak
and are listened to
And are cared for
And are made to believe
You are the only one like you
And that you are loved
For being what you are
Even imperfect as it may be
You are what we need
And there is no other
That can fill your space

Poetry.
A flash-in-the-pain expression of emtion
And art form designated for sharing simple scenes
Recreating feelings, senses
And conveying thought
Interpretive to the max
Illogical, beautiful
It stays on the page, but flows
Into your heart.

So, you notice
The little things
Voices, inflections
And what each means
You should be a social ninja
If you could stop thinking
About how you look
And the last thing you said;
Where to put your hands
To make you less defensive
That she doesn’t want to be bothered
And he thinks you’re nuts
And all of this matters… well, because.
It’s not like their opinions
Chance what you think of you
But if possible,
It’d be nice
For everyone to like you.

Though unaware
We share this experience
Each of us treading a path
Quite clcose to the next
All have hills
Mountains and plains
The rough parts
The good parts
The trials
The gains
Remembering, realizing
That each of us is the same
Is difficult when
Each of us feels we’re the main
Part of every day
We don’t realize others
Don’t think of us the same way
We can be selfish
Rude, and mean
Because we don’t trust those others
Who really are the same
But given the chance
I know in my heart
Each of us would rather
Be a part
Of the kindness, goodness,
The brotherly love
If we’re just given the chance
We could each rise above
Our assumption of importance
And lend a helping hand
To anyone who needs it;
That’s what it is to be human.

Fix you
Yes
I want to fix you
Take away all that pain
Unmake it like
You could live your life again
Show you that you’re special
Because you’re important to me
But I know I’m not the one
For that job
No, not me.

I wish that I could find you
What you’re looking for
But even if I looked
Behind every single door
It’s your journey that matters
You’ll find her, not me
I’m just an onlooker
Wishing for you to be happy

A friend of mine recently invited me to do the writing prompts from Nika Harper’s Geek & Sundry blog. This is my attempt at a parable from this prompt.

 

The lonely clock ticked on, somehow too fast, somehow too slow.
She fought against the current, desperately trying to save the seconds, for what she didn’t know.
“What have I been doing? What has it all meant? What is the point?”
Her mind wandered without permission, and she fought to reign it in.
She believed she had something important to do, something she forgot.
The seconds piled upon her like anvils, and she fought to stay afloat.
A losing battle.
She tumbled with the current, crying as she went.
The waves washed over her and carried her out to sea.
She felt lost and found all at once.
This is what it is to be alive, she thought.
The clock was gone, and she no longer counted the seconds.

When I sing
I sing in defiance
Of the emptiness
Of the world.
I vocally disagree
With the undeniable feeling
That my existence is meaningless,
That my life is meaningless,
And I will perish, without meaning
Some later date from now.
I sing because the notes echo on
And long after I am gone
The music I give birth to will penetrate distant universes
As testament to my time here
And proof that my life,
However short,
Meant something
Even if that something
Is just the indiscernible vibration of a rock
Far, far away.

You said I was like her
You put me in a box
You assumed away everything
About me
Until there was nothing left
Nothing I could do
Not reason, not protest
Just watch
As what was left of us
Fell into ruin

I loved you, that’s the truth of it
A truth I try to forget, because why
Why oh why did I let you
Tell me what to do
And what to be?
If I was like her, it was because you
Made me like her
Made me pluck my eyebrows
And brush my teeth
And wear some makeup
Because it was “preeetty”
But it wasn’t me

Why did I have to be something else
To make you happy?

I remember everything you said
As I walked away –
I remember you telling me that I would be old
And alone
You must have known
This was a fear of mine
You framed it like you were concerned
Because something was wrong with me
And if I would just stay, you would be the cure
Yes,
You were really just doing me a favor.

I wondered for a long time
Whether what I did and how I lived
Were just to spite you
Was my new relationship
Just an attempt to spite you?
Was I happy just to spite you?
Was it working, just to spite you?
And when I had my revenge, would it all fall apart?
But the truth is, the bitterness leaves
A little each day
And sooner or later, you no longer matter
My life moves on and
I don’t have to pretend
That I’m ok.

It seeps out in little doses
These little helpings of blackness
Not enough to kill,
Just enough to wound.
Feeling it all at once
Surely would destroy the soul,
But as the healing continues
One wonders
Will I ever really
Be whole?

I have big girl sadness now
I know how the world will turn
I know how we all will end –
With one final moment
To mark the entirety of our lives

But for those of us left behind
The moment never ends
It plays over and over
Seeping little blacknesses
Throughout the still moments of our lives.
I wonder,
When I finally do die
Will not my accumulated sadness surely outweigh
What happiness remains?

This song is partially inspired by the book I just read and partially inspired by the San Diego (and Mexican) culture I’ve been absorbing lately (the cultural undertones are clearer when you hear it – I’ll upload a recording sometime).

No it’s not what we said
We never were perfect
And the sound in your eyes
Left lullabies
Behind

Well we stood where we stand
And you made me a man
Tell me no lies
This is goodbye
I feel fine

There were tears in her eyes
I may have shut mine
To block out the sound
Of everything circling
Round and round

No it’s not what we said
We never were perfect
Say it to me
We always were mean
But never came clean

And all along!
All along you loved me
But we’ve said our goodbyes
I’ll make peace with mine
And forget about your eyes

Your sweet sweet eyes
Sweet Christina
Sweet la la la
La la la la-la-la-la

Hmm hmm hmm…

I realize now
How patient you were with ME
How the words don’t come easy
That fall softly on the skin
How much easier it is to say
Exactly what you mean
But it’s rude, and it’s hurtful
And it’s a huge change
But in the end it was good for me –
I wonder if he will feel the same.

After all this time
I’m still angry
At you
You’re the voice in my head
Telling me I can’t
Even though you always wanted
To tell me
I can.
Tracks play on repeat
Things you said once
That tore me down
And at the time, I believed
You were right
And I was a fool
For ever having tried
To be myself.

We are imperfect machines
But perfection is a matter of function
What are we?
Why are we here?
What is our purpose?
These questions
Are born of perfection
And plague each human mind
Which is driven to pursue it

I may be small
But I am also large
In my ideas
Thoughts
And influence
Were I never to be born, the world in 1,000 years
Would be completely different.
I am powerful
And so are you

So it cannot be power we crave;
Manipulation of our brothers and sisters
Is an empty goal that begets greed
And leaves the soul empty with dissatisfaction.
What did our creators intend
When they put us on this earth?

I see the light of the setting sun
And I am satisfied –
I know not my purpose but I know
That it is possible to be content
Being small and mortal
In a big and powerful universe

Seems like something
Lighted today
Lighted a fire in me;
Seems like something died today
I killed the biterness you see

I feel so foolish
My heart’s been through this
Many.
Times.
Before.
I won’t pretend you’re special
There’s nothing special
About the fire that burned
Before

Until now I’ve been wandering
Down the road you laid
And no matter how many crossroads I came to
With your memory, I stayed

I’m ready now
To let it go
You’re not the master of me
I forge my own path
Define my own fate…
I’m letting go of “we.”

This is a song I wrote yesterday. I got random inspiration and I jotted it down. Unlike most of my poems, this is not how I feel right now, so don’t worry. I know it’s a little dark. But it is how I feel sometimes, like I am trapped inside my mind, which at that point in time is very negative and self conscious. Anyway, voice recording to come, enjoy!

Oh it’s lonely here
Stuck inside my mind
Wish someone could help me here
Find a way back to light

(Chorus)
————–
All these strange places
And strange faces
They do multiply

And these burning voices
Not giving choices
That should be mine

Oh time…
I am running out of time…

Oh shine…
How the sun used to shine…
————–

Take. Me. With. You.
Don’t leave me here alone
Save me from myself
Wicked monsters throwing stones

(Chorus)

No one helps me
No one loves me
No one cares but me

(Chorus)

Oh time…
I have run out of time…

Oh shine…
How the sun used to shine…

Have you ever been
So painfully aware
Of your presence in the world
To the point where glances are like knives
And conversation, cyanide?
Just kill me now.

I want nothing more but to hide
To crawl away and avoid
The day-to-day interactions
Which, ironically, will be my salvation

For eventually, I will come out of my shell
And I will come to realize
The world isn’t so mean

Until then, on the inside, I scream.

A ghost of you
Still remains
It’s settled on
Your old old things
It keeps my heart
Flying up and down
Remembering
Having you around

It happened all of a sudden
And now it’s gone;
That feeling I used to get
When I was alone

I used to think
That I’d thrown it all away
That I’d never truly be happy
Any other day

That I would forever be haunted
By the idea that you
Were the only mate for my soul
But that simply isn’t true

There is always another
Equal to take your place
And now that I’ve put the time in
Now that I’ve run the pace

I’m ready to try for love again
Love, with someone new
I’m optimistic and hopeful
That fairy tales can come true.

Sometimes I think I know
But I still haven’t let my feelings go
So messed up is what I am inside
From my demons, there’s no place to hide

I keep wondering
What it would be like if I were still with you
And when times get hard here
You’re the first person I think who’d understand
I can’t help but wonder
Why I ever let go of your hand

For sure you’ve moved on now
And I’ll never have you back
It scares me to death that
You might have been my other half

I don’t remember
Quite the way that I should
All the things that were bad
And all the things that were good

I do remember I made a decision
One that I stick by now
Based on things
That made me upset somehow

Occasionally I am reminded
Through simple little things
Of times when I felt awful
Or times when I had wings

It’s hard to reconcile
Why I did what I did
Going back: impossible
Going forward: a trick

I’m still a little stuck
On the feelings we once had
Trying to make sense
Of why I’m feeling bad

I make an effort each day
To remember what we were
So eventually my mind
Will no longer be stirred

By places we once visited
And things about which we talked
I hope one day
My mind will no longer be stalked

By the empty image
Of the things we could have been
An image from a time
Called way back when.

Today I threw away
The pancakes you made me
Today
Just barely
And I felt
Sadness
As I thought of how you must have made them
With such intent
That I should be happy
And surprised
That I might kiss you
And we’d go back
To happy times

Today I threw away those pancakes
Last month, I threw away our love

I am still saying goodbye.

A part of my heart
Will always be with you
You were my sweet
Brown-eyed blue

It’s hard to let go
Of what we once were
And hard to admit
That someday, I won’t be “her”

We made something beautiful
And as I watch it go
As though on a boat
Slowly leaving shore

I feel nostalgia
And a longing to paddle home
Not strong enough to make me do it
But strong enough to let me know

A piece of my heart
Will always be with you
On this island
In the middle of our ocean blue.

Over the last few weeks, there have been a lot of poems I’ve avoided posting. Now the turmoil is coming to an end, and it feels fitting to post the poems here, in an effort to leave them behind. It’s time for new beginnings, for more than just me.

Gone

Maybe we
Could start again
You were once
My more-than-friend
You used to be
My everything
Seems like something
Got lost in between
My transition
From here to there
Yet this weekend saw us
Again
A pair
Perhaps it’s not gone
Between you and me
But as always
I wait
And see

Might

Somehow I know it’s over
But I just don’t want to fall
Making someone unhappy
Is never fun at all

And knowing you’re alone
Is freedom, but it’s tough
When you have no one to turn to
When things get rough

Maybe I’ve noticed
That things are coming to an end
But I hold on, just wishing
We might go on the mend

Rest

I think about him
All the time
He is the idle space
Occupying my mind

Somewhere
Along the way
I chose the easy
Path today
I opened up
A gate to flood
My heart with feelings
And wash out the blood
That was all
That was left of me
The parts that were sore
Now he
Holds together
Without knowing what he does
I know I’m not over you
Yet because
I feel guilty
For feeling this way
Something I thought
I wouldn’t have to say
After I left you
But now, here it is
My heart’s in pieces
And although the pieces are his
They aren’t good
To anyone
Until my rebuilding
Is truly done.

My ex-boyfriend recently looked through my notebook, and saw a lot of the things that I free-write. My notebook is pretty sacred to me. I write some of the poetry from it on here, but a lot of it stays tucked away within its pages, either because it’s not good enough or its volatile to my life at the time. He spurred me to look back through it, too, though, and I have a few poems from the past year at college to post on here.

Cynic

Somebody told me
I was meant to be alone
Somebody I knew
Long, long ago
They said it was best
For people like me
Never to have to feel
So happy
Only to have it
Taken away
Yes, it was better
To avoid that day
But what that person
Didn’t really know
Is that as you grow up
So too do feelings grow
I grew out
Of feeling sorry for myself
And I never looked for someone
But yet I found
Love that will always
Be dear to me
Whether someday it break
And flees
I’m glad I was able
To prove myself wrong
For I was that person
All along.

Autumn

Autumn beauty
You look the best just before you fall
Autumn beauty
How long can you hold on to them all?

Asphalt

Lights on the asphalt
Rain drizzles slowly
Time, like my heart, seems to have stopped.
How did we get here?
I feel so numb
As if in a moment I will wake up
And everything will be fine…
But I won’t wake up
Because this is life
And it’s all ruined;
The petals of our perfect flower
Are scattered and torn
Showing clearly their delicacy
Through their ruin.
I loved you
But I know that’s not enough
You loved me first and you stopped loving me first
In everything, I have followed you
Event now, I feel we are having parallel thoughts
Both wrestling with our hearts who say that this is over
And our projected futures which included each other
I will not lie, I am scared
Neither future holds a positive outcome
But it is more frightening to face a future in which I am unhappy
Than it is to say
“Goodbye.”

Between

Caught in
The in between
Nothing is
Quite what it seems

Feelings hidden
Right underneath
A smile of friendship
Which I bequeath

Each time I say
Hello to you
I wish I could tell you
What you already knew

When you shared
Your feelings with me;
I miss you more
Each day, you see

I struggle to make
You stay a friend
But at each
Day’s end

I wish that I
Were close to you
Our texts and talks
Are solid proof

I miss you more
Than anyone…
I think my heart
Has finally won.

Logic

What is this feeling
No logic can take away;
The more I fight it
The more it tries to stay.

Twist

What makes the path
So twisted here
Is there is no fork;
I must forge one here

The easy path
I won’t travel alone
But it’s not on this path
Which I will go

I cannot say for certain
What has driven me here
But for weeks now
The direction has been getting more clear

Ending

Wake up
At 7am
Can’t fall
Asleep again
Thoughts of you
In my head
Because I broke
What was bent

Right decision?
I don’t know
Let the tears
Like rivers flow
Empty my heart
To start again
Will we be more
Or will we be friends?

Enslaved to my feelings
I never thought it through
What I’d do without you,
Or without YOU

The two of you important
My feelings intertwined
Between what is new
And what is truly mine

Now I nearly have neither
Of you, anymore
In an attempt to keep both open
I’ve shut both doors

The future looks lonely
Not much in sight for me
But exactly what I deserve
Is exactly what it will be.

Not sure why I never published this one, I just found it in my drafts. Here you go!

Blanket statements
Emotions are curbed like I don’t have the words
All sorts of feelings stuffed up inside of me
If you’d only look you’d see
See!
See what’s inside here it’s kind of choking me here
I’m dying here inside my
Mind
Choked off because I don’t have the time
To think, of what to say of what to do of what I am
WHO AM I?
Do I truly care? Why do I care,
Is it not enough to go day to day
Hour to hour
Minute to minute just being
And being what I am
Without knowing
There is still love and joy and laughter
But I am scared
Scared that I will become something I’m not
Or lose something I am
Because I’m changing
And transitioning
And so many people have expectations
And I only know what they are
And not what I want
What I want, hmm
It should be so easy to define
On a whim, let’s go here, let’s go there
Do this and that, but now
I worry that what I do reflects on the me-that-was
And the me-that-is is only trying to live up to expectations
So if I do nothing
And be nothing
I cannot go wrong.

Torn between wanting and having
Isn’t what I have enough?
It’s easy, it’s fulfilling
Nothing wrong with what I’ve got

Do I desire to shake things up
Just to be sure I never stay the same?
Trying to figure myself out
Is a very tiring game

I can only let my emotions guide me
They will tell me what’s right
I just hope by the end of it all
I’m not the one who loses this fight.

Found this while cleaning out my room. It’s a classic line, and I don’t think I ever shared it on here.

I realized today
I can solve all my problems
There is an easy way
No more rent, no more bills
No more “friends”
I’ve had my fill
All my problems in this life
I’ll down them all away
In the crisp chill air
Of a sunny autumn day
Eagerly I climbed the stairs
Up to my sunny throne
Up upon the roof I’d stand
All alone.

Standing on the edge
Of a cool and lonely place
I made a final jump
I took a leap of faith
Then I began to think
Of what I’d never do
I wonder if I would have jumped
If I would have knew?

Falling from the building
I felt quite alive
For the first time in my life
I wanted to survive.

I’ve been cleaning out my childhood bedroom and I’m faced with a lot of the emotions I had when I was in high school. It’s really quite humbling to realize how far I have come in four years, how much personally I have grown, and how much time I still have ahead of me. This poem is just synopsis of those feelings.

Every day’s
A struggle now
Power through
Keep your head down
The bell says
It’s time for class
I’m feeling like
I’m picked last
Out of luck
And out of touch
As I step outside
The going gets rough
They start to sneer,
Start to laugh
There’s that girl
She’s got no class

Twenty now
Boobs really show
I’ve grown a bit
Into my own
I still feel
Like I’ll be picked last –
My thoughts of myself
Aren’t great, they’re trash

Twenty-two
And now I know
I’m beautiful,
But for my soul
Nothing matters
But what you do
So make it count
Your whole life through

I look back
And it’s easy to see
I had no reason
Not to be me
But I also know
That I learned a lot
By not always being first
By coming up short

I learned that everyone
Has something to say
We’re all beautiful
In our own special way
So believe me,
It was a trial,

But it was good for me
To be ugly for a while.

I found this while cleaning out my room. Maybe it will strike you like it did me.

What fake, fond memories
Anything can get distorted inside this head
I see and remember times I was happy
Forgetting I was also sad
I look back with wonder
And forward with dread
Believing I am becoming worse
That I am failing on the outside
But the only difference between now and then
Was I knew failure was a part of life.

Since the day
We would first meet
My heart needs you
To feel complete

To my lungs,
You are my air
You mate my soul;
A perfect pair

I love you, sweet
With all my heart
And though we fight
We cannot start

To fall away
From each other
If I lost you
I’d never find another

Who makes me smile
Quite like you do
When you pick on me
Or say something rude

So stop your doubting
And know this is true:
The only one I love
Is you.

I’m sorry I roll my eyes
When you say something smart
I’m sorry I don’t give you credit
For being clever and creative at heart

I’m sorry I make you feel
Like you’re not good enough for me
It’s really quite the opposite;
I’m your admirer, don’t you see?

All those times that I scoff at you
I’m really jealous you thought it first
You got ahead of me, and that’s bad
Because… I’m the one who isn’t worst

I’m always so competitive
But I need to take a step back
We’re on the same team, you and I
Your victories are mine, that’s a fact

So I’m sorry I make you feel
Like I’m tired of you
It’s absolutely the opposite
That’s absolutely, completely true.


These are the days
That the dark feelings start creeping in.

The “you’re not good enough” feelings
The “you’re failing at things” feelings
The “you will never truly live up to your potential”
Feelings.

Feelings that aren’t true,
But are fueled by paranoid thoughts
Stemming from the stress
That’s been put on my mind.

I’m so tired of falling back to this place
Where I don’t know what’s important, and what’s not
Where I’m no longer enjoying life but just wading through it
Waiting for the day when the world is lifted from my shoulders,
The day that never comes.

The only way to lose the world, is to drop it.

Not sure if I posted this one here once already (maybe last Thanksgiving) but I found this in my Google Docs. Fits the season well. Happy early Thanksgiving!

I’m thankful for you all
If you’re reading this right now
It doesn’t matter what you think–
You’ve touched my life somehow

It could have been a casual hello
That put a smile on my face
…Maybe I never saw you again
But it’s a memory I can’t replace

Or maybe you’ve touched me deeply
(No “that’s what she said,” please)
A life so often spent wandering
I found in you some reprieve

I may not even like you
But that’s hardly the point;
I am thankful for you all
Hell, heaven, and curious disjoint

You’ve made my life what it is
And made me who I am
So happy Thanksgiving,
Thanks for giving what you can

From this first breath
We plunge into waters unknown
Heading in some direction with only one immediate course;
No plans for the waters miles out to sea

The waters here are calm, so we try to stay in them
Keep her steady as long as we can
Until the keel swings ’round and we have no choice
It’s time for new waters
Reassess, relearn

But sometimes the water stays calm
And we grow restless at the ever-patient tide
“Where are our waves?”
We say
And steer our boat further out to sea

Every breath is a first breath
Each taking us in a new direction
And we steer our boats at each turn
Toward lights that
Miles back
Never even existed


There you are, looking so relaxed
Yet your eyes belie
Your heart’s true intent
As your gaze catches mine
You flash me a quick smile
Which I subtly return
And soon we are making movements
Toward each other
Across the room

Your fingertip dances
Closely out of reach
Through the air as you gesture
“Your smile is so sweet”
I gesture back
Signing through the air
“Your compliments are welcome”
And we make a neat pair

And so we spend the evening
In silent frenzitude
Building our song of love
To which no ear is tuned.

Lights on the asphalt
Rain drizzles slowly
Time, like my heart, seems to have stopped.
How did we get here?
I feel so numb,
As if in a moment I will wake up
And everything will be fine…
But I won’t wake up
Because this is my life
And it’s all ruined;
The petals of our perfect flower are scattered and torn
Showing clearly their delicacy
Through their ruin.
I loved you
But I know that’s not enough
You loved me first and you stopped loving me first,
In everything, I have followed you.
Even now, I feel we are having parallel thoughts
Both wrestling with our hearts, who say that this is over
And our projected futures which included each other.
I will not lie, I am scared
Neither future holds an immediately positive outcome
But it is more frightening to face a future in which I am unhappy
Than it is to say
“Goodbye.”


I am committed
Not to making this work
But to letting it work;
To being myself, and never stopping you
From doing the same.

I see a future for us
Not an effortless one
But one in which our efforts are not wasted
On the counterproductive pursuit of changing one another;
One in which our efforts
Will lead us to inspire the other to live,
Laugh, cry, and smile together;
One where we will embrace the little things
And each other.

I see no path for this future
I cannot see where it will take us
But I do see us happy, and smiling
Tackling life’s adventures and challenges
Under the support of the other.

Already I have learned so much from you
Already I am happier, brighter, and wiser
For having met you.
I only see more days
More months,
Or more years of the same.

This isn’t like anything I’ve seen with anyone else.
It’s the future I’ve seen for myself,
Alone…
But now you’re in it too,
As though you were always there,
Just waiting to be found.

A chorus I just whipped up. It’s better if you listen to it.

I’m only dreaming of you
Every night I sleep
I’m only giving you
Everything
That’s me
I only wanted you to
notice me
Now I’m hardly breathing…

Hardly Breathing Chorus by Dizzyspiral

Here’s a song I wrote yesterday. It’s about my boyfriend and my worries about leaving him for the summer. I’ve only got two weeks left here before I head off back home and he heads to wherever his options may take him. Presumably he’ll be far away. It sucks, but that’s life. The question a lot of couples face at a juncture like this is whether to stay together and go long-distance or just break it off. This song is about my feelings about that choice.

So I uploaded a recording of the song, it kind of missed the first line for some reason but just roll with it. It’s at the end of the lyrics. Enjoy!

You, and your deep beautiful eyes
They sparkle, along with your smile
You make me feel
Like the only thing that’s real
When your gaze is holding mine

And I’m in trouble
‘Cause I don’t wanna let you go
And it hurts double
‘Cause I just don’t know what to do
Say… you’ll help me
Help me get through

See, see I meant to have time
A relationship was not what I had in mind
But now that we’re here
It’s never been more clear
That I want to have you in my life

And I’m in trouble
‘Cause I don’t wanna let you go
And it hurts double
‘Cause I just don’t know what to do
Say… you’ll help me
Help me get through

Now, our time’s coming to an end
But I don’t, want to have to call you a friend
We’re both moving along
But I hope that this song
Will help you, see a little of how I feel

And I’m in trouble
‘Cause I don’t wanna let you go
And it hurts double
‘Cause I just don’t know what to do
Say… you’ll help me
Help me get through

Trouble by Dizzyspiral


I did one of these to start off my blog a long time ago. This one actually has a theme though. A little of my therapeutic writing… I’ll title them when I get to it, for now just know that they’re all separate poems.

The person I got to know
Was who I wanted you to be–
You changed yourself
To stand next to me

Angry
Angry, I’m always angry
Why did you…
It doesn’t matter.
Was it my fault or yours?
I think I see it clear now and that’s why I’m so angry,
You were so dumb…
You didn’t trust me,
Not since very early on.
You got afraid of losing that thing that made you feel safe
And so turned it into something that made you feel awful
Just trying to keep it.
I can’t make excuses for you,
You did what you did and now you lay with it
And I shed the guilt, slowly,
One drop at a time.

There is a hole deep within me
And it brings me great sadness.
It is a hole that I feel and cannot explain;
It makes my eyes water
And my soul crack;
It prevents me
From letting go.
I feel it, and when I feel the sadness
I am free, I am real;
And when I am near you the hole does not vanish
But it is patched over
And though gaping, we dance above it
Like daring tightrope walkers
Who feel no fear.

Found this in my notebook, I think it’s from Christmas. Just kind of flipped open to the page. Life is funny that way.

Soft breathing
You’re sleeping
You don’t know that I’m awake
Still healing
I’m kneeling
Next to your beautiful face
We’re broken
So broken
How do I make this mend?
Still healing
Time’s healing
That which was not meant to end

You take my poems
You take my words
And turn them into
Something that hurts

Something that digs
Real deep inside
You do know best
How to make me cry

And it kills me
Becuase I thought
You were better than that
But I guess not

And you know I, too,
Could break you down
Say those things
To make you frown

To make you feel
What you did to me
This morning, on the phone
When you made me angry

You said all this shit
That I never knew
Things you hid when we were together…
I’ve never had someone like you

Who’d say fuck the world
When we were together
But now that it’s over
Well this shit just gets better

And I don’t believe
Even half of what you say
You say what you do
To try and get in my way

I have little respect
Left for you
Your words are empty
And I know what to do

I’m breaking this connection
Go ahead and take your fall
I won’t be there to catch you
…I won’t be there at all.

I think I can post this now. Open and honest, eh, Chris? I kept this one to myself because I was trying not to hurt you. But I think now we can both appreciate it.

I fairly often forget
And I hardly ever remember
The stuff between you and I
That helps to keep us together

I seldom really know
Why I fell for you at all;
Forgetting what we knew best
When we decided on the long haul

Even just last week
I paced back and forth, in my mind
And finding no reason there
I thought perhaps we’d had our time

But you came to me again
And unintentionally, you reaffirmed
All that knowing that we did
When, like fire, our love first burned

It’s not the money that you have
Or in the future what you’ll be
It’s not a feeling that I get
When you’re alone with me

Our adolescent passion
Burned out long ago –
It’s something much much more
That keeps my heart aglow

I feel secure, yet independent
You accept all of me
We work through our problems
I know that anytime, I could be free

So what stops me now
From saying I love you
Is something that I’d rather
You never really knew

My feelings got mixed up
With a man you don’t know
And instead of trying to fight it
I just let them grow

And now my heart is torn
Between old love, and what’s new…
In thinking our love would die
I looked straight past you

I’m not proud of how I’m acting
I find it to be poor taste
But not acting at all
Would not have been a grace

To either of us
Because these feelings are real
And they started long ago
Before the other man was here

So I may take a chance
To try and do what’s right
For me, right now
At this point in my life

Where everything’s uncertain
And that’s the way it should be
I’m young and still discovering
What it means to be me.


What is this
Nervousness
I hate this feeling
You…
Make me feel incomplete
When I’m going without you

I can’t get enough
And you don’t seem to mind
Saying goodbye
And leaving me behind…

Have I for once
Fallen deeper, faster
Than the one
That I’m after?

This feels awful
My heart feels half full
My mind is scattered
And I’m so doubtful

I doubt he knows
No doubt he cares
But last thing he needs
Is another girl with fears

It should be easy,
But it’s so important to me
And the harder I try
The harder it is for me to see

That it is so easy
And I’m making it hard
Overthinkng everything
Trying to see the cards

Looking into the future
Where will I be
Will I be with you
Or will you have dropped me?

I think of you a lot
I guess you’re always on my mind
I’m not pining for you though
I still enjoy the time

That we get to spend apart
Because I have my own life
It’s something I’ve always tried for
But have never got quite right

It feels like there’s a balance
Between you and me
A balance that was never there
With anyone else I would see

I love our time together
And I love our time apart
No matter how long you’re away
You are still in my heart.

And you’re standing on the precipice
Not knowing where to turn
You’d think that after all this time
Maybe you would learn

There is no easy way
And there is no way to know
After you break the news
Where your life will go

But holding on to certainty
For the sake of no change
Is just as damaging to yourself,
There are no gains.

Standing on the precipice
You know which direction to go;
Just hope that after you leap
Life doesn’t bring you too low.

I found this in the archive of Facebook messages that Chris and I shared… It’s named Day 5 because I tried to do something sweet for Chris every day we were away until we could see each other again. This was Day 5.

Lights go out
I’m all alone
Wishing I could
Hug and hold
Your body close
To mine again
I’m lonely here,
My more-than-friend.
I miss your touch
I miss your voice
I miss our inability
To make choice
I miss your laughter
And all the while
I pause and think
You make me smile.
Even though
You’re miles away
Our memories haven’t
Begun to fade
Each time you kissed me
Or held me close
Has stayed with me
As if your ghost
Is here with me
Lying right alongside
My body as I
Fall asleep tonight.

This is not a poem
But actually, it is
I’m writing to you, blog viewers
To let you know what’s in the ‘is

I’m working on live recordings
Something you should see soon;
On every old and new poem
My voice will boom

Hopefully this will lend you
More depth for each word
Because how I tell each poem
Is how they were meant to be heard

I look forward to your feedback
And sharing a little more of my heart
With this small corner of the internet
Where I post my art.

This Is Not A Poem by Dizzyspiral

Last night
I got tired of your old shit
I decided
You weren’t worth my time

Last night
You thought that I would hold you
Instead
I sealed your demise

Last night
Should not have been a turning point
You should
Have seen it all along

Last night
Begins a new chapter
Where you
Will walk this world alone.

Life ain’t fair but it’s all we’ve got
The price is wrong and we’re falling apart
If we find love it’s cuz we loved ourselves
Everyone cries when they’re living in hell

And we love
We love, we love, we love

Oh we love
We love, we love, we love…

We all live cold cuz we’re going to die
Someone asks for more, and we ask them why
Life gets old while we all stay young
Since we know the end we continue to run

And we love
We love, we love, we love

Oh we love
We love, we love, we love…

Life is short, and it’s full of shit
It’s what you focus on that makes meaning from it
Happiness is just an awful lie
If you’re always sad, you’re not afraid to die

And we love
We love, we love, we love

Oh we love
We love, we love, we love…

We don’t know why we stick around
My heart hits bottom every day on this ground
We were given life, this gift and this curse
We do what we can not to make it worse

So we love
We love, we love, we love

Oh we love
We love, we love, we love

Too much
We love, we love, we love

And it hurts
We love, we love, we love

It only gets worse
We love, we love, we love

This little bit here was part of the inspiration for a song I just wrote (to be posted in about two minutes). Sadly it doesn’t fit into the song at all anymore.

Angle

And they brought us down again
No one’s here to be your friend
But you can be what you want to see
If you just change, change, change.

It’s not finished. Yet. It’s pretty close though. When I have time again I’ll finish the ending.

Something about
Just being me
I wonder if
The others see
The shit I take
Every day
So they can live
Without pain
I wonder now
Do they know
Where all my wasted efforts go?
It must be hard
For them to see
What trauma still
Awakens me
It’s in my dreams
It’s in my head
It follows me
Each night to bed
It colours every-
Thing I do
It may have consumed me
If not for you.

I make an effort
To keep you safe
Because at night
When I lie awake
I know I’m still here
Because of you

Debated about posting this or not. I wrote it yesterday. The tricky thing is that my boyfriend has access to this blog. 90% of our communication over the past week hasn’t been face to face and this probably won’t help. But if I don’t have this place to pin my emotions, I don’t know what I have left. So here it is.

Indeterminism

Eight months I’ve been with you
Through mostly happy, gentle times
Yet this month, the darkness came
With fights and battles to change our minds.

Every time we have a fight
We still come out the other side
Yet every time I wondered
“Is this where our relationship dies?”

Because that incredible comfort and security
I feel when we’re OK
Vanishes like a wisp of smoke
If we’re at odds today

I don’t feel like I will be attacked
For speaking my own mind
But when you hear me, and say nothing
I have to assume you will say goodbye

I’m willing to do anything,
Anything to be with you
But if I don’t know what you’re thinking
There isn’t anything I can do.

My point is, instead of making us stronger
Our fights just break us down
If we continue like this
I don’t know how much longer we’ll be around

Here’s the song mentioned in the previous post. A link will possibly be posted with audio at some point if I’m feeling brave.

Please don’t go away
I’m hoping for one other day
If it’s the last I’ll ever have with you
Please don’t go away
My heart is aching; please just stay
I don’t want to live one more day without you

And I’m lost in myself
Get me out of this hell
I had one long night without you
And the mistakes that I’ve made
Can’t take them back I’m afraid
It was one long night without you

And I’m sorry
I guess I’m sorry
But I don’t know

Please don’t go away
I don’t want to miss that smile on your face
Don’t want to lose the love that I have with you
Please don’t go away
Look at me baby, you can’t say
“I want to live the rest of my life without you”
Oh no…

And if I could change the past I would
Hell, if anybody could
But it’s a part of what makes you and me
And that smile on your face
It kills to see it erased
By something that meant nothing to me

And for that I’m sorry
I am truly sorry
But I can’t let you go

Please don’t go away
I want you but I can’t make you stay
If this is where the blame will lay, then go
Please don’t go away
I love you and I’m here always
But I can’t change your heart
No,
I can’t change your heart.

Wrote this last week. Unfortunately the sentiment has come back to haunt me… there’s a song in the works about that. I’ll keep you “posted.”

If I could propose to you

Sometimes I think I would
But our foundation’s an untested structure
Who knows if it’s actually good
I don’t ever want to upset you
And I don’t know how to deal if I do
So instead of dealing with it
Sometimes I point it back at you
I try to accept that I’m human
But you deserve better than that
Unfortunately that belief
Can make this house of cards fall flat
I think I know now
That doing everything I can is not enough
Because less is more
And everything is too much.

Found this in my notebook as I was reviewing notes for my exam. Actually there’s more, but these are the only two good stanzas.

But to give my affections
Is to take a risk
You could tear me pieces
In the moment after we’ve kissed

So I get angry at you
Convinced it will never work
Angry at myself
Each day, for being a jerk

This world is patchwork
We try to give it continuity
To the point that we replace it
With a construct
Of our own.
Lying here and looking up
Watching the free mist fall from the grey sky
I realize that this world
Exists
Outside of The Organization…
That this world is free
And our lives are not bound
By expectations
Of usefulness and productivity;
That our hearts cannot be bound
Within the construct of a man;
That we are free to choose
and that this choice must never be hidden from us.

Chris, if you’re reading this, I still love you… but I am frustrated by far more than this poem can express. I’m not going to stop posting my heart here simply because you can read it. Perhaps you’ll better understand what I’m going through.
Your pride doesn’t hurt nearly as much as my strained love
Do you want to lose me?
Don’t you trust me?
You’ll say of course you do
Of course, because you tell me everything
Show me things that no one else can see
But yet you lie
By not saying what you mean
And how you feel
You lie to me like you lied to all of them
And I wonder, is this really you?
Is who I see and who I love really
Who I love?
Too long I’ve been looking
And scared to look again is what I became
But I’m not happy
Sometimes, yes
But annoyed
Angry
And helpless
I want you to go away
I need my space
To figure out where my life is going
And whether you will be in it
I need to be somewhere where your lies cannot reach me
They are lies because you say them and you mean them
But you cannot act them
You cannot be your lies
You can only pretend
And it is sick
Sad
And I want none of it
Your excuses, your pity party
Get up, and look at yourself
Is this who you really think you are?
Alone, sad, crying,
When life could be much worse
When really, you have so much to live for
So much that cares
And you see it
And don’t want it
Because it makes you feel miserable
That you cannot be miserable
And cannot be happy
Because you do not know how
Life’s like an endless line
We’re forced to walk it until it ends
And perhaps the scariest thing is
There is no end in sight
Not one we can ever see
And once it is upon us, end.
Was this what you had hoped it all would be?
You have to plan for something
What will YOU do
Because it is all about you
Don’t make it about me
Because
You don’t know how to move your life toward something alone
I once was young
I once bled the colors of anxiety
Of fear and tears and dread
They told me life would get better
And it did
Once I was able to take control
Every decision you make
Every step you take
These are things that you do
Be aware of yourself
Be calm, and believe in yourself
You truly
Have nothing
To prove.

This poem has two endings. The complete versions of each are posted. Decide which you like best.

Achmed

Silent “grr”
Dirty whirr
Up, up
And away
Something has shifted
And now we’re lifted
Up, up
Hooray!
We’re gliding easy
Natural peasey
Not coming down
Today
There’s blood on the ground
And our body parts will be found
A mile or so
Away
Spiritual Awakening
Silent “grr”
Dirty whirr
Up, up
And away
Something has shifted
And now we’re lifted
Up, up
Hooray!
We’re gliding easy
Natural peasey
Not coming down
Today
Our souls have been sifted
And we’re spiritually lifted
We lay with God
All day

An interesting thought I had today, dealing with the essence of who we are, and how connected that is or isn’t to what we are. It could be developed into a poem in the future, but right now, I haven’t got the ambition.

I love because it is convenient
I lust because it is there
These feelings are no more my own than my body is
And in order to be free, I must die.

Some things come
And some things go
But how things end
I’ll never know.

Please don’t judge me
Not by who I am
You judge me most
By the pieces of glass
shoved in my hand
You look through them
Clear
And straight on through
To the person beneath
Who you thought you knew.
Was there ever life
Plusing through these veins?
life as strong as now
Struggles to be contained
Which holds back
For fear of the new
But is thrilled and awed
At what we thought we once knew.
It’s never so simple
As a piece of glass
blown in my hand
Take a look and see
You’ll look and see
And try to understand.

Snuggled into your disarming embrace
All the world seems to have found its place
I Look into your eyes, so grey, brown, and blue
And I think to myself, could this really be true?
All this time missing out on what could have been
Not knowing any better; I didn’t have you back then
I didn’t have your face
To look into when I woke up
Didn’t have your smile and laugh
To remind me of my good luck
I didn’t have this feeling
That although you’re far away
A part of my heart is whole
In a completely unnatural way
And although it’s painful
For me to be apart
From the one I love so much
At least this poem is a start
At accepting the distance doesn’t matter
Chris, you are the one for me
I’ve never felt it deeper with anyone
This is what love must truly be.

I didn’t want to forget it, so I’m sticking it here
One day
You’ll wake up and see
This life is everything
You want it to be
One day
You won’t have to ask me
How can I be happy
Here?

I wrote this sometime during college this past year. Just found it on my laptop. It seems incomplete but I don’t want to discard it completely so I’m putting it here.
I remember every month, once a month, what it feels like to be lonely
What it feels like to be pained
by your very own existence
stepping clumsily along
in a place you feel you have no right to belong.
I remember now what it feels like to be the outcast
to be shunned by all the others
because you didn’t fit some idea of perfect
some idea of grand
I remember it
because I was there once, and I revist it
because my psyche
can’t heal from the pain.
I’m damaged and always will be
imprinted with this feeling of inadequacy
that waxes and wanes
like the months as they come and go.

Distant, I am

never really there

I opened up because
You seemed to care
Seemed to want to
touch, to taste
A side of me that’s
been misplaced.
Since ever you came
in my life, I
got the feeling that
it’s alright
To be anything I
want to be
Now I’m just not sure
it was always me.
Have you seen beneath
my slinking core?
Do the parts of me that matter
leave you wanting more?
Afraid again is what I am
That who I am is not what you see –
I’ll be happy only when I know
That who you love is exactly me.

Look up at the overcast sky
Rain’s falling
And I know exactly why
My love has left me, stayed behind
And I’m fighting back tears
Trying to reason with my mind
Two more weeks won’t be anything
What a lie that must be
Two more weeks could be anything
For you or for me
Two weeks and you may have forgotten
How happy we were
Walking down the street
Destination, unsure
Could forget how I smile
And how you make me laugh
How stupid we are together
Like you’re my other half
You may not remember
How I look up at you
When I’m lying in your arms
Feeling emotion, deep and true
So many little things
You or I could forget
But I won’t let them slip away
That won’t be my regret
I’ll savor every moment
Play them over in my mind
Whenever I get lonely
Waiting again for the time
I might be held in your arms
Feeling peace in your embrace
Nuzzled into your shoulder
Looking up into your face
Feeling like the world
Has all but stopped for me…
If I could be anywhere else
This is where I’d want to be.

No Regrets

Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?
A land in the clouds?
A place of saving,
Or does life just get you down?
I can’t live life wondering
What tomorrow will bring
And if today’s all I got
Then at least I’ll know how to sing
My praise for my life
The time I had
And when it’s all over, I hope you’re not sad
Because I had fun
And even though you can forget
If it’s my last moment
I’ll never regret how I spent it.

Dreaming of Autumn

vidid colors drifting in the air
like neon beacons of yellow
red and orange
they flutter to the ground
soft dreams landing easily
far from where they came
mayhap a whistling breeze
may wind its way through the tall posts
which were once these autumn colors’ homes
picking them up with a supernatural hand
swirling them and twirling them
’round and ’round
’til they rest indefinitely in a nook
or crack
in the chill cold embrace
of winter

The Star

A light
In the darkness reminds me that I should not be afraid
It’s only night.
And it’s not the dark, exactly,
That makes me shiver
Nor the way it comes as the light fades
Leaving trails on the mountains, one last time
At dusk.
It’s the feeling of aloneness
That the dark brings.
Of solitude, dark and gray.
And then you wonder,
“Does anybody care?
Can anybody hear me?”
But you hear me
Even the smallest whisper
And suddenly the dark is not so frightening
Not so black, so solitary
Even though you are not here,
You drive away the dark.
Even though you don’t know me
I know you all too well.

You are the light in my eye at night.

Feather

eagles soaring
want to be one
find my place
my freedom.
someone told me i could be them
someday
when i found my wings
i’m still searching but i know
one day i will find
the one thing that lifs me up
because if i don’t i know i will die
from one thing or another
and i’m a fighter
so i won’t go out without flying
once
for now i just watch as others take off around me
ones like me ask me to be their feathers
but i refuse
you have to find your wings
because while the bird flies
the feather dies

Flowers

Flowers bloom, but I don’t see them
I smell them, and that’s ten times better.
You don’t always see with your eyes,
And when you do you don’t always see
Eye to eye.
So that’s why being me
With no eyes to see
Is sometimes better
A relief
From stress, from daily routines
We build our lives around
Because sometimes, you never stop
To see the flowers
Or smell them.

So I’ve been cleaning my room the past few days. I just ran across a poetry book I was required to make for my English class in 9th grade. The poetry is good, I may post my favorites later, but what really struck me is the quote I put on the back of the book.

“Poetry should please by a fine excess and not by singularity. It should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts and appear almost as a remembrance.” – John Keats

Love’s like a time bomb
tick tock tick tock
You can see the minute hand
But you can’t see the whole clock.

why’s it so hard
to believe what you see
you can’t believe it’s not there,
but i want you to be free
be free of the anger
the heartbroken guilt;
you’re angry i’ve done this to you
yet the balance won’t tilt
in your direction
and i’ve said that enough
no matter how long you wait
the answer is still “life’s tough.”
you’re not getting what you want
so you might as well accept
i don’t want you, so move on
and try to forget.

There’s so many things I’ve heard
About you, over the years
Things not flattering, or awful
That if you heard might bring you tears
Yet I never once judged you
Not a single time
You’re a friend, a good friend,
a damn good friend of mine
But what’s this?
Now that I’ve made one mistake
My hands are covered in blood
And it’s up into your face
That I’m staring now
From this cold cruel ground
Instead of offering your hand
You’re pushing me back down
It hurts so much to find out
That the person that I respect
Was not the person I know
And that everything is wrecked
You go ahead and say what you want
Think anything of me
I’m taking my life now, and leading it
Living it freely
It’s what I said I wanted
It’s exactly what I said I would do
So stop pouting now
Just because it doesn’t include you
Exactly the way that you
Wanted to be
I’m so sick and fucking tired
Of living for you and not me
I make mistakes
I fall down on the ground
But in the end I do expect
That if you’re a friend, you’ll be around.

It’s times like these I’m reminded of what makes me who I am
So many times I think I’m drifting, but now I see that I never can
I’ll always come back to the belief at my core;
That the people around me always deserve to be loved more.
Life isn’t about me, it’s about all of them
How they’re touching my life, again and again
Through the months, through the years, an entire lifetime
Without them to hold me, my life wouldn’t be mine.

Choosing a partner
Is like nailing yourself down
See in someone else
What you can’t see in yourself
Decide that you’re lacking
And a hole can only be filled
By the sweet sweet nothings
Of another
Who, just the same feels
Tortured, in loneliness
Why?
Because it is said we should be
Unhappy
“alone”
Although we are nothing such.
It’s not quite right this romantic vision
Beer goggles for the less fortunate
An ideal world we try to witness
But being imperfect, we fail
And in anguish, we scream.
Would you wish that my beauty be taken
By another who cannot appreciate
Myself, the way that I can?
Know this, that I will never be truly me
When I am someone else’s
When I am masked
Distorted
Through the glass
Of someone else’s belief
Of the way that I am.
No,
I will not be for you what you see
I cannot be everything I am, and yet fulfill your dreams too.
So I will be content
But calm
In knowing that I am one with the only being
Whose judgement matters to me right now;
Myself.

I still think of you
Wonder how you’ve been
Where your life’s taken you
Since I was in it then

Your face will come to mind
Your smile, and how you’d hate
To show your teeth on camera
Even though you looked great

The million ways you’ve changed my life
Are a reminder now of what we had
The terrible times are gone from my mind
I’m much less angry and much less sad

I can see the confusion clearer
The whole event, and not just my side
You meant to care but you got lost
You’re only human, and that’s your pride

Now what happened wasn’t right
Our relationship changed and had to end
But it was good for a long time
And someone else might be able to mend

The parts of me that got broken
When we hit bottom, fast and hard
I love you, David,
But it’s time for me to shed these scars.

So we all pretend
That everything’s okay,
That life’s a breeze
It’s simpler that way
And we just keep hanging on
Hanging for that day
We can convince ourselves
It’s true, what we say

Oh you all understand
Yeah, and you all respect
What I’ve become, because
There’s little choice left
You see me, oh
Towering over you
You think I’m better?
No.
I’m no better than you.

You Think I’m interesting
But you can’t comprehend
What I’m actually saying
When I tell you there is no end
Nor any beginning, to anything
That I say
Life’s an endless loop
And when we’re gone, hurray

So don’t lie to me
Like you always do
If you understood me,
Well,
Then you’d understand you
It’s not my time
To tell you what to say
These little details
Don’t matter, anyway

You little speck of dust
Crying in the wind
You’re so sad and don’t know it
You, my friend.

I wrote this poem as an explanation to a guy I just met that I’ve fallen pretty hard for. It’s hard to tell now if it’s just early infatuation or if these feelings are as deep as they feel, but if the time is right I’m going to give this poem to him in a lovely romantic fashion.
Before you met me
It’d been a hell of a year
First filled with sadness
Then filled with cheer
I broke up with my boyfriend
And then had to deal
With everyone rushing me
Telling me how to feel
Well I told them all to stuff it
That I’d find a path of my own
Then my old boy came back
Told me how I’d grown
Told me I’d turned into
Just another Clarkson Girl
Which set my mood unhappy
My confidence started to curl
But eventually I realized
It didn’t matter what he said
There was a reason that I left him
Too many tears over him I shed
So to still let him hurt me
Was silly at best
I took my life and moved onward
Where to? Anyone’s guess.
I did whatever I felt like
For months and months on end
The goal, to meet as many people
With which my mind could contend
I went out and drank on weekends
Got silly, stupid drunk
Once I even smoked from a bong
(But once of that was more than enough)
But lately I’ve been feeling
Like I don’t really care
Meeting people isn’t on my mind;
In fact, there’s only one person there
And he always makes me smile
Whenever I start to think
About something he said lately
Or his face when he’s half asleep
See I never really thought
At all this semester long
That I’d want to be with someone again
I couldn’t find feelings that strong
But when I’m with you
The world’s completely out of place
You turn my head upside down
And my heart starts to race
There’s something so unique
About everything about you
You just blow my mind
And I don’t know what to do
So I’m writing this right now
Knowing that there’s no other way
I’ve surrendered to my feelings
They’re not going away
Will you take a chance on me?
I promise to do my best
To make you smile every day
And lay all your worries to rest
I know I’m a little crazy
And you haven’t even seen it all
But if this seems right to you
Then we can at least have a “lol”
Because my days are better with you,
I love to see you smile
I’m looking at you right now
And thinking all the while
I wonder where this could go
I wonder what you and I could be…
I want you by my side
Wherever this path may lead.

Just keep running
running
headlong, headfirst
run until you’re in the unfamiliar
where everything’s at its best.
run and run, there’s no point looking back
on what used to
and what could have been.
keep yourself moving
moving away, yet moving toward
something special
intangible, and unknown
but good.
you move, sluggish
sometimes, and sometimes fast
as though the journey were not worth taking in
you move sometimes with regrets
tears in your eyes and a frown on your face
but you say goodbye
ill-reconciled, but nothing lasts.
Moving, moving
always moving
keep on trudging, yes
if you stop
you may never start again
so don’t ever think to rest.

I’ll worry about me
You worry about you
We’re separate people;
Not one, but two
You want something you can’t have
And you put all your effort in
To change my mind, but I won’t
I tell you again and again
Stop trying to change the past
So you can have the future you planned
Instead, ride the river’s flow,
Play the cards you have in your hand
Let life take you on a ride
And don’t you ever look back
There are no mistakes–it’s YOUR life
That’s a matter of fact
So stop trying to shape me
You’re missing out on what’s now
I’m over with, done with, forget me
I wasn’t worth it anyhow.

so much tragedy
and i cannot cry
the rest of the world
is turning a blind eye
to the one lost kid
crying, and cold
he feels so empty
he’s done what he was told;
done everything right, and done everything more
than the rest of the children
but still he’s left sore,
he’s unrewarded, treading last place
he wonders why life’s not fair
and if he’ll ever keep pace.
he doesn’t want to sacrifice
who he is or what he does
but he wants the world to see him
and give him back just as much love
as he’s given everyone
in everything he does.
the world’s left him in a corner
cold, and all alone
no love left to give, he’s miserable
and looking for a way back home.

Reaching toward you

for some months now
I always get set back –
back to the beginning
you put me there
because courage is what you lack.

It’s impossible that you
don’t see me now
see what I’ve become
so impossible that you
don’t feel me now
but it seems I haven’t won.

Do you want me now?
Can I have you now?
Can you tell me how you feel?
Can I have some truth
Oh some honest truth
Just to know what the heck is real.

Another old one. I don’t remember posting this yet. My poems used to be so much simpler, and so much happier…

Goodnight, my sweet
You are everything, impossible to beat.
When you lay your head down to rest
don’t forget that to me you are the best;
don’t forget that while you’re there
i continue dreaming of us as a pair.
i miss your smile, i miss your face
i feel your phanton arms in a warm embrace.
so don’t forget that while you sleep
i hold you in my heart, with love, with every beat.

-CW 11/16/08

I don’t think this is necessarily finished, but it’s a different style of poem and I am somewhat proud of the ideas it represents and how it’s turned out. So I’m posting it prematurely, more to come later (maybe).


Running
not running
falling
can’t fall
presssure building
firmly resisting
if i stand so straight and so tall
my life will be a mirror
a mirror of what i project, all the while
i shrivel, twist, contort
die
inside. with no one to hold me up
and yet so many to hold on to
so many hands
like tiny baby fingers, tender, innocent
turn to talons of want and desire, of greed without control or regard
when i come near
so i wall myself in
walled, protected
nobody can reach me here
nobody…
not even me.
and i cry, cry because i know
the longer i stay here, the more i lose, the more i miss
the more the sun burns me with its heat and its brightness when i rise
so it pushes me back
back where i came from
my secret cave, alone
safe, but unwanted
and unseen.

it’s too hard to always take responsibility for myself
let the world see a glass window instead of a mirror
look in, look see, what do you find?
all the ugliness you thought couldn’t exist here
all the selfish thoughts, confusion, misplaced.
do you accept it? or are you overwhelmed
will you, like everyone else
tell me to put that back where it came from
covered up, behind close doors
nobody wants to see you now.
you must be beautiful
a lie, but a beautiful lie
stretched out across the decades until it becomes you
and you wonder where you went
or if you are
even
still here
because you died inside
without light, without people without hope
you died but it’s time to come back now
i have your hand
even though i can’t take my own i have yours
and i am never letting go.

Always afraid
it will be too late
Don’t know when
or who’s shutting the gate
Don’t know how long
I’ve been so afraid
Of missing out
on something not yet made
Only know it’s time
to really not care
If it’s gonna be made,
I’ll make it
and then it’ll be there.

I almost posted this on my college’s Like A Little last night, but I either chickened out or came to my senses. I’m not really sure which, since I still can’t stop thinking about this boy. I suppose though that all things get worked out with time.

Stuck

So here it is, I’m stuck on you
It’s really sad, but very true
You wanted me, now someone else
I couldn’t ever tell how you felt

I thought you were faking
Because you wouldn’t try;
Now I think you had feelings
–but you were just a guy

You didn’t know what I wanted
And I’d never tell…
But it’s over now
It’s all gone to hell

Or is it, really?
If you think you’re this guy
Message me,
With one simple reply

Do you still want me?
Because I believe that you did
If yes, let’s work it out
Instead of getting rid

Of something maybe beautiful
Like a flower, to bloom in time
Give me your answer
And I’ll rethink mine.

Eventuality

Excitement and dread
Is all I can feel
Two sides of one world
About to be revealed
A rift created
I wish it wasn’t so
But in my mind
This is the only way it can go
Too many memories to just leave behind
Too much pain to just say it’s fine


Beauty

Like something that walked out of a dream
Evenings never seem
Quite real, when i’m with you.
Everything is more beautiful
The moon, the stars
Perhaps it is because the night is ours
If one could see through our eyes
The world loses its vain disguise
Becomes plain, intelligent and raw
Such beauty, no one ever saw
It’s a secret to behold
For those few who can comprehend
You caught me thinking I was the end
The only one who might see
But then there’s you
And there’s you and me
And together, the world is lit
And every single piece seems to fit
If you’ve got me and I’ve got you
It seems there’s nothing we cannot do


Beginning of the End

I blamed myself for so long
Told myself to just go on
Even though I was the one inadequate
I told myself to take what I got
Everyone else is perfect, and I’m not
So who am I to complain, or request more?
But the truth is I am perfect
As perfect as anyone else
And it’s my right and in fact my DUTY to ask for more
I demand a better lifestyle
Some happiness, if you can’t give it to me
Then I demand someone who will
I’m tired of holding my breath waiting for the change
I’ve cried so much and now, it’s time things don’t stay the same
It’s the end or the beginning, only time can tell which.


Goodbye

The time we had together
was not sullied by our dreams
Everything we’ve been through…
The road is long it seems

I am not meant for you
Because you are not meant for me
I was but a brief stinging touch upon your life
And that is all I will ever be

The truth is in my heart
I feel connected to you by tragedy
So much loss, so much pain
And we’ve helped heal eachother’s wounds, thoroughly

Now I ask you to let me go
Not for you, but for me
The time we had was splendid
But this was not meant to be

I’ll cry as I walk away
I’ll cry as I go
I’m not leaving your life
This for certain I know

But I’m leaving a chapter unread
Some page undefined
Closing the book
entitled “yours and mine”


Change of Mind

Everything is different
From the way it was before
The things I used to think…
Those ideas are no more

What used to be black and white
Is now a blurry shade of gray
And I reside somewhere in the continuum
Doing my best to make my way

It’s funny how ideals
That served me well all my life
Come into question
Now it’s harder to see wrong from right

It seems there’s just accepted and not
Which all depends on who I’m with
So it comes down simply to
What I think I can live with

Without my ideals steadfast
My mind is always changing
It’s clever really how
My words are elegant staging

For the raging undercurrent
Of a very messy mind
Thoughts only pile together
When necessary, and at the right time


Moments

Somehow, this all makes sense
Talking done without a pretense
I wish the world was more like him
He doesn’t smile when things are grim
But he can still laugh when things are wrong
He lives in the moments, and when they’re gone
He shrugs it off, and life’s okay
He lives for the moments, he lives for today.


Distance

Distance doesn’t matter
When two hearts are so close
Logic isn’t a factor
When emotions start to boast
Feelings so strong
They could tear a person apart
With doubt and fear
Emotions that come from the heart


Sunset

The setting sun
Beats against my eyes
Shining fiercly
Reminding me of goodbyes
Reminding me
That everything must pass
Like the light into dark
and the future into past
I must go too
At the end of my day
Back where I came from
Someplace far far away


Scars

There’s so much you don’t know about me
So I figure it can’t be real
You trust me without knowing?
I don’t know how you deal

You’re nervous, you say
But I think you’re confused;
I won’t tell you what’s wrong
Because I’m afraid of being used

So hurt I became
After three long years
Dependence became weakness
Now i have so many fears

Afraid of being taken
And hidden away
Afraid of losing who I am
Because I’m more willing to stay

Unhappy to please you
It’s what I’ve always done–
Sacrifice myself,
Don’t worry about what I’ve become

I finally started feeling
Like I was being me
Now I feel like I’m going to lose it
And no longer be free

But I want to let someone in
Because I want someone to see
The parts of me I can’t share
With anyone but me

I’m staring into the distance
Trying as best as I may
To keep myself in line
My composure’s gone away

I sit alone in the dark
My lips are slightly parted
I feel your phantom hands
I won’t stop what my mind’s started

My shoulders relax
And I’m feeling warm
Your body’s not there…
But I coulda sworn…

My mind comes back
And my eyes are wet
You did this, you bastard!
Now I just bet

You’re out there laughing
I ended it, it was me
Now you’re happy
And I’m wishing I was free

I’m still tormented
I nearly had it all
I’m so angry at you;
Angry that I had to fall

But I fell so many times
And you weren’t there to pick me up
You didn’t deserve me
But…now what?

I sit here alone
And I stare at the wall
I’m lonely as hell
No one here to see me fall

Thrilled to start a new chapter
That’s how I feel right now
Smiling a tiny smile
And thinking about just how
I made my way here;
How impossible it all seemed
Taking that leap of faith
To leave and chase my dreams

I’ve been told I have high standards–
such goals I’ll never achieve
But to me that doesn’t matter
Such words I’ll never believe

For settling for less
Is a sin against my soul
So as long as I have life
I will live it to the full

I’ll never be afraid
to ever die alone
and when the times get tough
I’ll find in me a home

Because I love myself
It’s the darn simple truth
So you can try and break me down
But you won’t get through the roof

You won’t even touch me
If you cannot start to love
The things that make me who I am
I swear to god above

If you ever ever hurt me
I will kick you to the curb
and make darn sure that somehow
you get what you deserve

I’m bitter still a little bit
But I’m ready to let you in
If you think you can stand me
I think to myself with a grin

Now I’m smiling because somehow
I know what this could be
And I’m too excited
To wait, and see.

I close my eyes
And feel it deep
I open them
And begin to weep
I try to hug
I try to hold
Something intangible
I feel so cold
And it looks so warm
But just out of reach
A bundle of mysteries
Which I cannot breach
A temptation and challenge
To try and understand
That which was made
By all human hands
A river of life
And it runs so deep
Pulsating, changing
Life without sleep
A connected conscious
Something we all understand
At the core of our being
An idea so grand
It consumes me
As it consumes us all
Yet eludes me
As I beckon and call
So sometimes I feel so lonely
And sometimes I feel so great
It’s the human river, flowing and ebbing
And I am caught in its wake.

sitting here, spending so much time
away from you, and trying to find
a way to stay close, connected and real
i sit back and relax, and the emotions i feel
envelop me if i decide to let them
and no matter what happens i will never regret them

this connection makes me nervous,
because of what i said i would do
i would experience the world,
but then there was you
and there’s no going back
not now that i know
there’s another in the world
who shares my same glow

and maybe i think
we are too alike
all signs on the surface
say that that’s not right
but everything i see
with both you and i
tells me others expectations
we can defy

i write this to remember
and to hold it close
the feeling that orignally
spoke to me the most
the one that i feel
when i’m close to you
and the one that will guide
when i haven’t a clue
the one that reminds me
that i’m not alone
the one that says without words
“you’ll be there when i get home”
the one that makes me feel
like something special and true
it’s the only way i can feel
when i’m with you.

One touch from you, I feel so whole
Nobody could grant me this I know
I thought last night it wasn’t real
You with me, and you were here

You grant me peace, serenity
A feeling from which I can’t break free
But it scares me to know this is going to be hard
You ask me to look beyond my guard

To see myself as simply me
To be myself and always be free
To look, to find
What hasn’t been there
To nourish, to nurse
Those parts of me that are rare
To be a person I once knew
Tess afraid, someone like you

She may have been crazy, she was always kind
She never left another behind
She thought about others, she made them laugh
But when people brought her down, she took a different path
She made sure no one would ever have her
A little piece would always be hers
So how did you see it? how did you know
That one small thing that I never did show?

I wanted so much to be more than I am
But I never thought that I could again
It’s always been easier to stay in my shell
I’ve kept my vulnerablities to myself

People are mean when they don’t know
How they forced a small girl not to grow
She fought to keep herself inside
But that part of her never died.
I ask again, how did you know
There was that part of me hidden down below?

Did kindred spirits a partner find
Wandered for years, somehow drawn to their kind?
Coincidence is logical, but doesn’t feel right
How small a chance that we just might
Find eachother when we needed most
Someone to understand that which we both boast;
A mind full of secret understandings and thought
And lives full of mistakes in which we were caught.

It’s not chance we found eachother, this is true
You were meant for me, and I for you.

More old stuff, found this on my other HDD. Might’ve deemed this unpublishable at one point but tonight I feel like it’s literary genius.

Ballad of A Loved One

Are we just sliding through this world alone?

If no one told you, would you still call this home?
I’m not complacent, you could say that I’m trying
But I’m far too sick of this backhanded
lying.
I’m prepared to take the heat
Be it, say it, whatever you are
And I’m prepared to take this alone, sir
I’m not afraid to find out who you are.

Because discovering me
will mean discovering you
And in discovering you I will find out what’s true
And what’s not. I need to know.
Can you keep yourself when I’ve gone insane?
Can you hang on to me
Even when I might cause you pain?
I hope, for sakes, you want to say yes
Even if the answer must be “I don’t know.”
I’m holding in my heart one truth, one place
It’s the outline of you that I call home.

Beginning of the End

I blamed myself for so long
Told myself to just go on
Even though I was the one inadequate
I told myself to take what I got
Everyone else is perfect, and I’m not
So who am I to complain, or request more?
But the truth is I am perfect
As perfect as anyone else
And it’s my right and in fact my DUTY to ask for more
I demand a better lifestyle
Some happiness, if you can’t give it to me
Then I demand someone who will
I’m tired of holding my breath waiting for the change
I’ve cried so much and now, it’s time things don’t stay the same
It’s the end or the beginning, only time can tell which.


Love You

I love everything about you.
Although you’re probably well aware–
I love the smell of your shampoo.
I love playing with your hair.
I love eating out at night,
And when there’s nowhere else to go
We can sleep in your car
No no one has to know.
Because no one else can feel
How I feel about you
So no one else can understand
What you do to pull me through.
It’s not just the nights
That I spend in your arms,
(Although a little bit of that
Never did me any harm.)
And it’s not just the places that we go
Because there’s no sights left to see
When I’m looking at you,
And you’re looking at me
It’s simply I’m in love
I have a smile on my face
I’ve found someone special
Who’s impossible to replace.
Recluse
We look at them and we say
“what are you running from?”
And they ask us,
“What are you hiding from?”
Each side a different piece of the puzzle
Neither ever correct
Or wrong
Waiting
I need some money
I need a job
Scholarships are pending
Like an angry mob
And graduation
can’t come soon enough
not with AP testing
Boy that’s gonna be tough
But the hardest part is waiting
two more months at least
until graduation
and then summer becomes the beast
it’ll be filled with work
and three more months of waiting
every moment i’m making money
i’ll be silently hating
because it’s one more useless stop
on the long, drawn out road
they tell me eventually brings me
to my own, independent abode.
It’s not too soon to start dreaming
but it sure does make it tough
when school’s not even over
and the waiting is rough.

It’s the strangest thing
When someone goes away
You think that you’ll miss them
Every single day

But you’re still here
I can feel you in my heart
And though you’re far away
We’re really not apart

So I’m saving my tears
For happiness, when you return
And though I will miss you
For you I will not yearn.

Small pitter-patter
running roof, silent clouds
dampen the ground
whoosh!
rain is wind
wind is wave
thunder splits emotion
taper off, little drizzle
small pitter-patter

Dominion

Courtney Doesn’t know
that she’s full of fear
In the face of the hour
there are tears that appear
Behind her eyes
choking her words
she’s barely alive
she isn’t heard
she wants more than anything
she craves like the night
the fear that takes over
she struggles and fights
her own truth becomes lord
her own thoughts her whole sight
she’s worried she’ll lose you
and she thinks that she’s right.

Intoxication

Masterful
Approximation
Choking of
Intoxication
Breathing in
All creation
You
Make me feel this way.
Impossible to describe
Harder yet to survive
A moment spent without you.
Lethal injection
My heart’s infection

My First Kiss

My heart is aching
As I look in your eyes
I can see clearly there
The wants that won’t die.
I ache because I want it too
Holding back is nearly a sin
Your arms draw me closer
I realize I can’t win
Inhibitions aside, decision made,
I look to your face
I feel so afraid.

Chain Reaction

Enjoying every minute
Of the moment now I’m in it
Your hand clasped tight around mine;
This small human gesture
Leads to something better
A feeling
Bodies intertwined.

Survival

I just realized today
I can solve all my problems
There is an easy way
No more rent, no more bills
No more “friends,” I’ve had my fill
All my problems in this life, I’d drown them all away
In the crisp cool air
Of a sunny autumn day.
Eagerly i climbed the stairs
Up to my sunny throne
Up upon the roof I’d stand
All alone.
Standing on the edge
Of a cool and lonely place
I made a final jump
I took a leap of faith
Then I began to think
Of what I’d never do
I wonder if I would have jumped
If I would have knew.
Falling from the building
I felt quite alive
For the first time in my life
I wanted to survive

Just A Night Thing

It happens about the same time every night
This feeling I get about you
I miss the times we had together
And all the things we used to do
I hurt inside so deep and bad
My heart might break in two
Instead my eyes just overflow
and fill with thoughts of you
I see your figure standing there
I look deep into your eyes
I feel the warmth as you hold my hand
Then I begin to feel some surprise
For it’s all in my head, this vision I see
But it feels so real and alive
All at once I don’t want you but need you
and the truth is so hard to derive
Then I realize you’re here inside of me
As long as this feeling is there
I relax and I know that someday will go
and meet both of us as a pair.

Broken

My heart is aching
I know its coming
I just sit and wait for the pain

My heart jumps at the blink
I hope that it’s you
I want to be thought of,
The same way I always think of you

Marionettes of plausible thought
Circumvent my conscious quarrels
I try to absorb and harness
But elegance refrains from my charge

I am no refugee
I am not surprising me
with words of wisdom
or plays of bravery
this refugee is holeing down
if your heart is meant for me
you’ll dig my grave and lay me to rest
at the bottom of this reverie

Sweet and to the point, I remember writing this around Christmas this past year about no one in particular.

you’re nosy
you’re vile
you’re witless
you’re thick–
merry Christmas
you fucking dick.

I think of how we’re still awkward
I think of how much you mean
I think of telling you these things
Then I think I hear my heart scream

Because you’re hardly there, you’re never there
And you don’t want to hear about this
You want to talk to me on your terms
My eyes water writing this…

You care but you’re selfish
Or you’re really that naive
I’m a woman and I have wants
I want you to pay attention to me

I don’t care if I’m boring–you’ve made me that way
You can’t ignore me cause you’ve gone to college
I haven’t gone away.
I need someone to ask me
“how do you feel tonight?”
And when I give an honest answer
I want to know that that’s alright
Because you’re listening, and you care
And you’d do anything for me
I’ve heard you say these words,
but they’ve become hard to believe
When I get no attention
I get none of you
My life’s half complete
And that just won’t do
So hold on to me
In textual embrace
Tell me you love me
When you can’t say it to my face.

Your perfect poem

the perfect poem
to write for you
has a whole lot
of stuff to do
with not being there
and showing i care
and walking the line
and doing a dare
and holding my breath
as i think of a line
that can complete
this rhyme of mine
and breathing it in
as i wake in the morn
thinking of you
and your soft scorn
and wondering when
and where, and how
I’ll be with you
someday, somehow
and if things will get better
like you promised they should
the good old days cannot
be gone for good.
I’m sorry this isn’t the perfect poem
it’s just a lot to say
I’ll think of your perfect poem
someday, someday.

Resistance

Trying to hide
From after-kiss
bliss abyss,
Trouble is this:
Lengthy kiss
lead me to miss
The one I kiss.

Bacon

Dremmel tool
Not enough
To peer into MY mind.

Abyss

Gaping, suddenly black, a crescent moon appears
You once saw light but the world is dark, black and gray
And you have nowhere to go but down so you go
Cursing, cursing your fate
Your luck
all the way.

Yoda

Deeper than what you thought, this story is.

Inside my mind

Lengthy prose?
No, they don’t make that here.

My Friend

Sleep
Is a luxury
the ill cannot afford
is it your destiny
To sleep
All life long?

Who needs God

Deities are nice.
But my socks are better.

Losing you

Look after me, I’ll look after you
this song’s been cut in two, in two
And these tiny pieces, I really do fear
Don’t hold enough of me
For you, my dear

Immortality

Writing comes from the heart
even if
you don’t mean it to.

Writing comes from the mind
Even when the world is unkind

Writing will always come.

Unmurmured

Don’t say your beauty.
Please.
I already know it.